


You Don't Trust Me

by fidelisinfinitum



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Episode tag to 17x16, F/F, Post-breakup, but it could really take place anywhere in this season ?? Idk, happyish ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 19:01:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13770522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fidelisinfinitum/pseuds/fidelisinfinitum
Summary: One call changes everything.Episode tag to 17x16.





	You Don't Trust Me

**Author's Note:**

> This one i almost definitely put on tumblr

Her hands are shaking, she's fumbling with her phone in the dark, trying to call Fin, or even Carisi, someone to talk her down, because she's afraid she'll wake up Jesse if she keeps breathing this loudly, and she can't deal with a sleep deprived baby, and-

"Hello?" Olivia says, and the mantra of shit, shit, shit, in her head gets louder because she just called the person most disappointed in her, although it's really such a close contest she wouldn't be surprised if the runners up were right behind her. 

"Sorry, sorry," she says quickly, trying to seem as if she wasn't out of breath, "I'm sorry." It doesn't work, and she's sure her panting sounds even worse over the phone, even worse to someone who isn't trying to compartmentalize all of this so much that she hardly had to think about it. 

"Amanda?" Olivia asks, and she sounds uncharacteristically concerned. Well, that's not completely true, Amanda thinks. It's just that she never sounds that concerned about me. "Are you okay?" 

"Not, not really," she says, and she curses herself for her half sleep and half adrenaline rush fogged brain. She wraps an arm around her knees because New York winters are fucking freezing, nothing like in Georgia. 

"Are you hurt?" Olivia asks, always the rational one. 

"No, I'm fine, I'm fine. I didn't mean to call you, just let me hang up," she says, trying to cover this up, as if it never happened. 

"Please don't go, Amanda," Olivia says. "Let me help you."

"Why do you want to help me, Olivia?" 

"You're one of my detectives. One of my friends, Amanda."

"You don't really believe that, do you, Olivia? That we're friends?" Amanda doesn't know if she's making sense anymore. She doesn't think so, but this is all she can think to say. 

"Amanda-" 

"You don't trust me." There's dead silence on the other end of the line, no noise except for the slight hum of the air through the phone. "All friendships-" Amanda stops, because that word doesn't seem like enough, it never seemed like enough, "all human relationships are built on trust."

"I don't have to trust you to want to make you feel better."

"All you're doing is making me feel worse." It feels like the truth as she says it, and maybe it is, a little bit. 

"I never called it off to hurt you."

Called it off is such a neutral way to put things, Amanda thinks. Like it was easy. Like it didn't matter. Like it was what they both wanted, both needed. 

It really wasn't. 

"But you did," she says, and somewhere along the way her breathing had slowed and the feeling of panic deep inside of her had waned. It didn't make sense, because this wasn't calming. This was one of the worst things she had ever done, and she had a lot to pick from. 

"I'm sorry," she says, and she sounds like she means it. Like maybe it hurt her too, although Amanda wouldn't know at all. "I'm so sorry, Amanda." 

She keeps saying her name, and Amanda doesn't know why. 

"I just want you to know that I'm fine, okay. I'm fine." 

"You're not."

Silence, this time on Amanda's side, because she told herself that she wasn't going to lie to her, at least not directly. Because she made up her mind that she could win her back, but the likelihood of that happening goes down every day that Amanda fucks up. 

Suddenly, she's crying again, gasping for air while the sobs tear her up, and she's stumbling up, trying to make her way out of the room so that she can fall apart without fear of waking up the baby. Because Jesse is more important. She's the most important. 

"I'm sorry," she's crying, and she's not even sure what she's apologizing for anymore. For just letting them fall apart, for lying to her, for going behind her back, for not being there for her when she needed her the most, and, most of all, for making it so she couldn't trust her anymore. Because as much as she tries to pretend it isn't fair, Amanda knows that it is. That she isn't trustworthy anymore. 

Olivia's making soothing noises over the phone, and Amanda's ended up on the floor of her living room, leaning against her couch. She's started to calm down, but neither one says anything, Amanda because there really isn't anything to say, not anymore, so they just sit there and breathe. It's almost like it used to be, except not, because before there was always something else to distract, kisses or phone calls or errant thoughts, but now it's the two of them, and suddenly it isn't enough. 

"I miss you," Olivia says, breaking the silence that hung over them in an almost holy way. 

Amanda wanted to divert, to redirect, to say something about how they just saw each other that day, but she doesn't, because she knows that's not what Olivia means. 

"I miss you too," she says, tilting her head and letting a stray tear leak out of her eye. "I miss you so much, Olivia."

"I-" Olivia hesitates, and it's almost like she's stretching out a hand, a peace offering, although Amanda knows it's a lot more than that. "I want to trust you again."

"I want you to be able to," she says, then, suddenly, pleading, "Please let me prove it to you." 

"Okay," she says, softly. Like that's all there needs to be said. 

It kind of isn't, Amanda thinks, but it's still okay. They'll figure it out. 

Amanda can hear a cry from the other room and almost wants to groan, because of course the baby doesn't wake up during the argument, she wakes up during the reconciliation. 

"I have to go," she says, regretfully. 

"I know," Olivia says. "We'll talk tomorrow?" Now she's the one who sounds like she's pleading. 

"We will."


End file.
